Breaking Point

A point of finality, signals the end, surrender, last hope… I am gradually getting to that point in my life which I find weird because being only 22, I’ve barely lived!
No one tells you about this point in your life, no-one warns you, prepares you, or guides you. you stumble upon it when you least expect it. It’s a sad feeling I tell you, for I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. The signs have been ongoing for a while now. The endless fatigue, the continuous stress, the incessant depression and the sudden yet ever present lack for life in general are all things that have been bestowed upon me throughout the past few months.
I can feel my academic life wasting away for I am not able to develop my talent, not able to pursue my passion all because it isn’t acceptable to those who gave me this life.
I can feel my social life slowly degrading because I now seclude myself from people more often than not. I crave to have those who are close to me around me but instead I’m surrounded by ignorant snobs who CONSTANTLY stare at me and believe me, not because I’m stunning; the look on their faces is usually of cold contempt, their eyes say what their mouths can’t fathom to utter.. that I am not welcome here. You would think they would have gotten used to it by now, seeing as I’ve been here for a while now but no, their stares remain cold and unwelcoming, forcing me to make higher the already solid concrete wall around me.
I can feel my spiritual life slipping away from me, I blame God so much for all this melancholy that I sometimes see no need for Him anymore. But things keep getting worse week by week that I feel that He is punishing me for neglecting him. Mass on Sundays has become a heavy task, my zeal for the scripture is no more and I can’t even remember the last time I took a minute to pray. It’s killing me because I was that good, religious girl. I miss it but I’m afraid that He will never forgive me and let me back in.
I won’t even talk about my love life because it’s just a tangled web of mixed emotions that I’m really trying to avoid dealing with.
All this looming over my head is weighing heavily on my conscious and it’s changing me, converting me to a person I never thought I’d ever become. I do not want this. I do not want to lose hope, I do not want a doomed future with no career, no friends, no bond with God, and no soul mate.
But this path I’m on is leading me there, to a breaking point that may break me to a point of no return. How does one move on from this point? How does one save themselves from the breaking point?

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2 comments

  1. “what you resist…persists..”….read through what you just wrote…all the things you don't wan't in life will always recur if you chose to dwell on them…stop feeling sorry for yourself and channel that energy elsewhere. You are blessed with so many things,but because of human nature we tend to dwell on whats not right instead of what is….everything will come through,be positive =)

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