The Pursuit of Freedom

Freedom… the one thing a young girl craves for… that young girl is normally between 16-18, not friggin 22. But if most of you are like me and have those typical kenyan parents who will NEVER LET GO… you definitely understand what I am talking about.
I love my mother to the ends of the oceans and back. She is the bane of my existence practically, and has single handedly raised a family of 4 kids and I commend her and will forever be in her debt. But my only problem is that my mother and I never see eye to eye. And I always wonder why?? What is it that I have ever done to her to make her hate me so or not trust me even one bit… Being my only parent I would love to have that mother-daughter relationship everyone sings about, just once I would love to hear her say ‘I love you’ ‘Im proud of you’ ‘I miss you’ .. simple sweet nothings that people take for granted, simple yet deep emotion that I only ever got from one person in my life… my late grandma.
Why bring this up now?? well a few… actually A week ago, I was meant to take my brother for a play at 7p.m. That day I only had one engagement, which is very rare for me on a friday btw! Anyway, I only had a hair appointment and was to head back home in time to drop the kid off. Now for those who live in the +254, you all know how crazy the city gets when it decides to RAIN. That afternoon it poured and poured and poured for hours, right AFTER I had just gotten my hair done, sigh! When it rains in Nairobi, everyone gets catlike reflexes and is everywhere trying to get shelter from the rain. So there is normal traffic AND human traffic to deal with. I got on a bus at 5p.m, I did not even make it home on time, I got to Kenyatta Hospital at 8:30!! That is an entire 3hrs on a very full and not well ventilated bus. I was one angry black woman I tell you. Offcourse my brother had to take a cab to school to avoid being late but I promised I’ll pick him up with a friend of mine.
All this time my mum has been checking on my whereabouts from my sister, the girl can’t even cover for me yaani… Its all good. Anyway, she finally calls me and makes ALOT of UNNECESSARY noise, accusing me of just hanging out in town with friends and not being responsible and how Iv never changed and how I want to spoil my brother too… alot of bollocks if you ask me because 1st of all, I had no plan to meet anyone that day, 2nd of all, how am I meant to control traffic?? In the rain?? And after all that lecturing, she hangs up. If there is one thing that pisses me off, it\s that. Hanging up on me as if Im not worth your time. Why call me in the first place??
That night just got me thinking how even after so much time away from her she still thinks Im this silly rebellious child which I have never been. Where she got this perception of me still baffles me till today. She’s pointed out so many times how she does not trust me, again why, I don’t know. I hate that she has such a bad perception of me, I am not that unruly wild child, all the people she keeps comparing me too are so much more rebellious than I can ever even dare to be. I thought all this tension would end with me going away, absence making the heart fonder and all that ish, but clearly not.
Living in this house even on vacation makes it so hard. Nothing I do is ever good enough, my friends are supposed bad influences and Im destined for a doomed life, that is what my mother thinks about me in a nutshell, believe me you really do not want to know the rest.
But I still adore her, and will do anything for her because I know how much she has sacrificed to give me the life I have had growing up. All I wish is that she accept that I am an adult and able to take care of myself. All I want is to be free from her super tight leash. If wishes were horses I guess…
Wrote this because I really have had enough of all this.. But I will be patient in my pursuit of freedom.

#ION I have had an amazing first 2 weeks of summer vacation:-)

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2 comments

  1. same here D..but slightly diff as it is for everyone. You can't wait for her to let you go, you have to let her go and realise that their opinions don't have to mean that much to you. Your mummy can yell and say all those untrue things about you but you know they are untrue so whatever. Its up to you to let her go. I'm doing the same with my family

    Like

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