Lost and not yet found…

I sit here on my bed, for the first time in weeks with a clear mind. No fatigue hovering over me as I have not left the house all day, no happy adrenaline feeling as I am not planning on going out tonight, no memory lapses as I have no more ‘to-do lists’ to make and forget to check… I’m just sitting here feeling, wow… I have no words to describe it but its a feeling that has been a long time coming. I have not had a moment to myself in over a month. Very surreal this feeling.

Now… what can I say to explain my silence?? I honestly have no reason at all. I have had no internet problems (shocking I know), I have not gotten a job yet so time is not the problem either… I have just had nothing to talk about or write about in a really long while. It really disturbed me day in day out. I would sit in-front of my laptop night after night, open up this page and just stare at it blankly. It felt like someone was forcing me to do so, for a while there… I really did not want to write. That has never happened to me literally EVER in my 23 years of existence. I want to call it writers block but then again no… I know what writers block feels like, and it felt nothing like this. As Drake’s ‘Doing it Wrong’ blares in my ears, I come to a realization that I was the one blocking myself from writing, and I realize it was the wrong thing to do; yes… pun very much intended.

I have been home a month now and I still have not gotten the internship I so badly wanted and sought out for for myself for once. Before I always had someone on hand to help, family, friends, connections… U know the drill. This time, I wanted to do it on my own. Prove a point that only ur talent and passion and can get you the job u dream of so often. Reality hit me hard my friends.. real hard. In this dear country of ours, not only does money talk, but if you do not know ANYONE in the field you are pursuing then ur basically screwed. And it is really really sad that we have to rely on ‘who we know, who our folks know, who our friends know’ to get anywhere in the job market here. Very few people make it on their own. Now Im not about to give up but I think the struggle is what made me lose hope and second guess myself. And the more time went by with no response from anyone I had sent my resume to, the smaller my faith got. And with that kind ‘motivation’ in my system its no wonder I would come home and just stare at this blank page and just call it a night and pray for inspiration the next day and the next and the next.

In regards to the title… Im slowly becoming one of the lost ones. I came home to a family that does not even appreciate my presence at all. Were it not for my brothers you’d think Im a guest in my own house. My mother hardly speaks to me when she is around, my sister is practically the mediator between us. I thought I was ready to have a sit down with her and figure all this out but Im not. Im not ready to be demeaned yet again after it has taken so long for me to finally start believing in myself. Well, maybe one day all this will blow over; I don’t know when but maybe one day. Not having this peace within me messes with me a lot. I have realized that some friends… really not necessary in my life. I have not cut them out but I just keep a safe distance because of the paths they have chosen to take… not really the type of path I want to be associated with. It really is hard to let go of old friends but what to do… Change is inevitable.

Anyway, enough of the depressing downtime I have been having. Im a strong girl, always have been and this is why I have managed to jot this down tonight. Told myself I cannot let a few disappointments put me down forever. I have an audience to reach out to and that is what I am going to do. Writing is my outlet; my way of feeling exhilarated. Yes people, a few shots and a couple of drinks does not do it for me at all, lol. This does, and always will. Im glad to have gotten my mojo back, I had really missed it. So onto bigger and brighter things!!! I may not be employed but I am making use of all this free time by giving back to the society. I took up a volunteer job teaching at a public school. Never in my life would I have thought that I, D.od, would ever be teaching kids, leave alone kids in a public school. An opportunity came my way when my friend, @AdamKiboi, a guy who you would never ever picture doing such a thing told me about the NGO him and his friends have started based on giving quality education to children in dire need of it. They took this one school as their first project and have been volunteer teaching for a while now and have also got them some sponsors who will help them with computer classes and offer a pool for swimming classes etc. Makes you believe that our generation isn’t as doomed as people tend to think we are. Anyway, so I joined them, helping out where I can; I get to teach sometimes, most times assisting the actual teachers. I teach English and life skills. The kids in that school are something else I tell you. Being a public school there are no school fees meaning the children who attend this school are from all walks of life. Mostly from the nearby slums in the city and from lower class neighborhoods. But the thing that shocked me most about these is their eagerness to learn; they are always happy always willing to help, always ready to keep going and going. Some of these kids have no parents, some of them go back to abusive homes after recess, some of them have experienced so much in their young lives that we can only gasp at when told yet they still carry on… their energy is infectious. Im happy that this is the reason I wake up every morning. I feel for these kids, I wish I could do so much more and I will do so much more.

The teachers there sadly seem not to care at all for these children. Some of them do not even bother teaching, they just come in and sleep in the staff-room, have *chai and *chapoz and gossip. How now??? But I get where they are coming from though, because if I was teaching there on salary basis and had to deal with all that for peanuts pay as well, I would hate my job too. But I think of being a teacher as a calling, because being teacher means you are molding this person to the person he/she will be in future. If these teachers had the passion in them to teach and weren’t doing it just for the money, I think these kids would be so much better off. I love this part-time job and being with the kids really makes my day. I learn a lot from them than they do from me actually. My friends and I working there are hoping to build their self esteem especially those in the girls, they are over powered by the boys so much and seem to just let it happen.. and yes, my feminist side comes out lol. Anyway, aside from my Samaritan ways, I have been having a good holiday. Planning mum’s 50th birthday party, so much stress! This will be my first full planned event and hoping it goes well and hoping she likes it. I have touched base with my girlfriends, I have had my share of nights out that I shall not revisit here because I will not complete this post aka too much drama! But I love my friends, I really do.

Me and the Mr have not had as much time together as I would have liked because of the workaholic that he is, lol… but I have enjoyed the times I have had and will have with him. Being here, knowing he is just a few km away from me instead of a an entire continent away… makes it so much better, Much love babe:) July dawning means people are graduating and that means a whole lot of parties and shindigs to get to, excited! I still need to find my way to TZ and spend time with Fifi… yes, withdrawals mad! Okay.. getting sleepy now, and this has been a good comeback post if I may say so myself. Till next time…

P.S(To my non-kenyan audience: *chai-Tea *chapoz-a kind of flat bread delicacy)


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