“Dear Diary, 3 days ago… was my birthday and turned 20yrs old… No-one was around to celebrate with me… my first birthday without my family around me… Guess I should get used to it. 2 days ago… was the day my beloved grandmother left me to join Jesus in heaven. Yet again I was alone, not physically but emotionally… no-one around could feel my heart crumbling around me, no-one could feel my pain… yet the only person who did was so very far away-my mother. She loved Dani the same way Dani love me-unconditionally.”
I found my journal from 3 years ago while I was spring cleaning. That is the entry on the first page. 28th Jan 2009. 2009 was a year and a half. If there was a record for who can go through all emotions at once in this period of time I think I would have emerged the winner. My teenage life had literally just ended and adult life beginning when I suffered the most painful loss I have ever suffered to date. Entering adulthood since then has been quite the struggle. Knowing your number 1 cheerleader, your number one fan, your number 1 everything would no longer be there anymore. I suffered my first loss that year but God turned it around and let me experience my first love the same year as well… then he turned it around ONE MORE TIME and had me experience my first heartbreak as well. All in one year… Clearly God was putting me through all sorts of tests, lol… the most challenging test of all… leaving home for the first time for college abroad. I was not ready for this at all, I remember the day I received the news; the same day my mother learnt that she had been promoted. So celebration galore in the family except I couldn’t feel that happiness, not just yet. Sure it was an amazing opportunity I had received… getting a scholarship to study abroad doesn’t just come by everyday, but still. I was very very bittersweet about it. I didn’t want to leave my siblings alone as my mother had been posted to work in a different city. I didn’t want to even think about leaving my then boyfriend at the time, let’s not even talk about friends… All this came pouring heavily on me as people kept giving me congratulatory hugs etc… I did not want to leave home.
All through high-school, I had this dream… that I would complete high school, go and study Journalism at CUEA or USIU(colleges at home) all the while move out of home and go live with my grandmother so that I could be there to help her out as she was getting weaker with age. Plus I knew I would enjoy my college years with her more than with my mother so it seemed like a perfect plan. But then again, as the Mr always tells me to this day… ‘If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans’ Only God knew the plans he had for me since that fateful year till today and I must say… they have been quite the trip to discover. As much I did not want to leave home for the states, I do not regret the day I got on that plane and flew 22hrs to sunny California for the very first time. It was very scary and for someone as timid as me, there’s only so much change I can take in my life but something pushed me on, further along until now. Senior year in college, about to complete my undergrad and hopefully earn that degree I never even thought I was ever going to get.
And then it hit me. It wasn’t something that was pushing me, it was SOMEONE. It was and has always been Dani. My number 1 fan has been cheering me on throughout these past few years and I had not even noticed a thing. I wrote about my 2nd yr here in a post a while while back. I was going to drop out of college in my 2nd year. I had had enough of it and was drowning faster than I could swim in that point in my life. Everything was just going haywire. But then I looked to future me and thought to myself… If I want to become that person I dream about all the time, why stop now? Whatever does not kill you only makes you stronger and I am a living testament to that. After 2nd yr, I think that is when I really grew up. That is when I really took charge of my life for me. Granted I am still in the developing stage but I am glad I took a stand because that is what my grandmother would have wanted for me. To NOT give up. I titled this post an ode to myself because as the year is rapidly coming to a close, something bigger is approaching. Come next year I will be a year older, wiser and God-willing a graduate. A new chapter of my life will be beginning and so I just wanted to give myself a pat on the back for how far I have come since. Growing up is hard folks, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, esp growing up faster than you are expected to, even harder. But once you do it, its the greatest feeling in the world. Knowing you are your own person and only you can make you what you want to be. I am no longer the weak girl I was back in 2009, I am not wallowing in the nostalgia of my grandma’s death as much as I used to, instead I am letting her strengthen me, letting her life be an example as to what I should expect to do in mine.
In my social psychology class we had to write a book report on books by renowned author and Zen leader Thich Nhat Hanh, and I read ‘No Death, No Fear’. It is while reading this book that I learnt the art of letting go of a loved one. It has been a long time coming and I am not sure if I will ever fully let go but he says in his book, in letting go of your fears is when and only when do you get full happiness in your life. So I am telling myself now and my future self as well… I am proud of myself. I have never ever said those words. People have said them to me but I never ever believe them because I have never considered myself worthy of anyone’s praise. But I now see that I am someone great, and I can be even greater with much faith and love in my life, I don’t see another failure… okay maybe just the one business class that is literally kicking me in the ass! lol BUT, aside from that… I am Proud of me because I know where I have come from and where I am now and when I look into the future, I see only great things.
I was crying earlier today because memories of 2009 came creeping back, but as I started writing, the tears stopped, all that was left was peace.
Have a peaceful weekend.
P.S(So that one one Journal entry resulted in such a long post goodness! I was meant to be working on projects this afternoon!!! Still in that battle with procrastination, gosh. Nwy, still asking for your feedback on what you want to see more on the blog, what you don’t want to see, suggestions for the revamp etc! keep me posted!:)