So this post is long overdue, lol… sorry folks, been handling too much in the past few weeks even sleeping wasn’t an option at some point. So I just graduated!!! And I just packed my entire life into 5 heavy suitcases that mother dearest wasn’t too happy to pay for at the airport today lol. Anyway lemme back track a bit, recap this semester and share my newest journey with you now.
Systems shut down due to very many reasons, illnesses, tragedies, nervous breakdowns and most commonly emotional breakdowns as well. My system shut down at the beginning of this year due to both nervous and emotional breakdowns. I suffered a major loss that to many may not seem as that serious but it really felt like the world was crashing down on me. On top of that I discovered a part of me I had been neglecting for so long was on the verge of destruction if I did not tend to it immediately, so I took time off to deal with all that. Heart break is not the easiest thing to overcome especially when you didn’t see it coming at all. It’s a feeling that pierces not only your heart but your soul as well.
Aside from that, my last semester looming on me with all this was another level of stress on its own. I was scared because I had no clue what my life after school would be, I had no support from my family and I had scared away the one person who truly believed in me. I had a full on plan in my mind before all this occurred but as Im continuously told, ‘If you want to make God laugh…’ So plans had to take a drastic 360 degree turn and I literally had to start over with my after school plan. I had my family on one hand demanding all these expectations from me, my professors pushing for more on the other hand, my work piling higher and higher, my health deteriorating slowly, my friends giving me too much BS for me to handle…. My system shut down when all that came into realization and the simplest things that made me happy such as this blog I couldn’t bare to look at anymore. I soon fell into depression and with everything around me moving in such a fast pace, I curled myself into a really dark corner and cried myself to sleep every night, wondering when the world would stop moving for just one minute. Just a second to let me accept all that happened, to let me experience it and move on, but life doesn’t work that way unfortunately. Time waits for no man and I had to pick myself up and do what I had to do every day till one day someone saw that enough was enough. I had to get help; to get myself out of this rut, out of this pit I had thrown myself in.
I don’t know if I have ever mentioned this here but I really was an anti-shrink person. I didn’t believe in therapy and found it a really stupid notion and sometimes I still do. but I was somehow forced into it to prevent me from getting clinically depressed. it was odd at first; talking to a complete stranger but she was patient with me. knowing how reserved and closed up a person I usually am, she took her time to get to know the real reason behind my pain and frustrations. and you know what, it actually helped. I can now say I do appreciate all therapists out there and what they do for each and every one of us. Not everyone has that kind of patience. The sessions helped me discover deeper issues I had with myself and my family. helped me discover that in order to move forward I had to accept the past for what it was and pray for a brighter future. I managed to get through this last leg of my college life by pushing myself extremely hard and also by not dwelling on the down side of things as much. Having things to look forward to like graduation kept me going, kept me upbeat and if I ever did fall back into a depressive state I would just write about it. Expressing myself via the written word as always been the one way to release all stress and negativity from within me. I am healing; gradually I am healing.
Next post will be soon, being back home means less internet access so need to divide up my posts lol…