Taking Stock 30

‘It’s okay if you can’t handle everything today’

The above is a quote amongst many that I have screenshotted and saved on my phone gallery. It’s by Jacqueline Whitney. I chose this particular quote because it’s exactly how I’ve been feeling every other day for months now. And I hated myself and put myself on a horrible path of self-guilt just because I could not function on that day or the other day or even yesterday. I did not tell myself it’s okay if I could not handle everything or anything for that matter. I should have told myself that but I am now. It’s okay.

It’s okay to put a pause on this blog if you’re not up to it, it’s okay. It’s okay to not tweet or post on Instagram or even log on to any app if you just can’t. It’s okay to take time out for your own betterment, to take time out for your own peace of mind, it’s okay. I definitely needed that reminder.

I was going to do this post in April, I thought I was ready to write again. I opened this page and just could not do it. I thought after being in this dark hole for two months that for sure April would be the ‘spring into spring’ step I needed to get back into normalcy but my heart wasn’t in agreement. So I retreated for a while longer, until now. I don’t feel completely okay, or good, but the fact that I can finally put words to paper (in this case words to screen), tells me I’m slowly getting there.

I hope 2021 has been kinder to you all so far, on my end, I’m just doing my best to stay afloat regardless of what the universe has decided to throw my way. Difficult situations I feel are God’s way of making you grow anyway. All that aside, I promised a dear friend of mine I’d do the questions on her Taking Stock post so this is a little detour from my usual posts, but still a good way to do a recap.

What cartoons (whether from your childhood or present) do you think of often?

Not much of a cartoon watcher nowadays, which is weird because I really watched all the cartoons from childhood even until high school! Anyway, some that never leave my mind are Dexter’s lab,  Courage the cowardly dog (can you hear Eustace being yelled at?? Me too sis haha!), Aladdin, Pocahontas, and one that’s quite recent is Disney’s Soul. Cartoons have evolved so much with time, I don’t know if I can relate to the ones being produced now. Does Dexter’s lab still come on now?

What would your life look like if you lived a perfect life? Describe a day to me.

Wow, that’s quite a hefty question. I would love so many things to make up my perfect day but to do a summary of sorts… A perfect day would be waking up naturally (no alarms!) to cuddles with my love (whoever it will be, Lord it’s me again lol…), the day would entail breakfast at noon because I’m an obsessed brunch lover so breakfast food always, then work on projects I love, not work that I hate, creative work to be exact. I would love to have time in the day to just read for some time, by the beach, listening to the ocean until dusk, where I can watch the sunset, sometimes alone (because I love my alone time) or sometimes with my love and head back indoors for a scrumptious dinner, binge on a movie or a couple episodes of a tv show, start turning down by doing my skincare for the night (playing some H.E.R, some Erykah, some Frank Ocean you get the gist…) and getting into bed for some more cuddling and sleeping:) I know the beach part is a stretch because not every day vacation but it would be nice. If I could have a perfect weekend or month, it would involve either a road trip or a trip out of the country because travel is one of my favourite things.

Is the world ending? What haven’t you done yet?

With the current pandemic and the current government, it really feels like we won’t make it to see 10 years from now but shindwe! The world is struggling, the economy is on its knees, people are struggling to survive, it really feels like the world is tryna tell us to prepare ourselves for the worst. I stay believing that God has a master plan though, as he always does and so I don’t worry too much (I do worry but not insanely so). What haven’t I done… SO DAMN MUCH. I want to do so much, I want to achieve so much and I’m partly to blame for not doing some of them because I really get in my own way a lot. But also the environment around me hasn’t been too conducive for doing all these great things and going to all these great places. Proper adulthood I feel begins after 30 and I’m only two years in, I would love to see how adulthood pans out because as much as childhood, teenagehood and young adulthood were great – somehow, I think this level of life is different and has so much more to offer and I really hope to stay on this earth long enough to experience it all.

Which ancestors came to you this month?

You know… when my grandmother passed on about 12 years ago, I thought she’d constantly stay in my mind. And she did, for many years but this year to be exact, she hasn’t been occupying that space so much. My late uncle who died before her, has been taking her place. I’m not sure why as we were not as close but I’ve been thinking about him a lot more than I ever have since he died. I think it must be because I spent a good chunk of time with his wife, my wonderful aunt, and also because I am in contact with his kids, my cousins who were so young when their father was taken from them and have grown to become such wonderful young adults. He would be so so proud, actually, he is proud because he sees them from above, sees their wonderful spirits and their great lives.

I think I’ve also been thinking of him because a friend of mine lost her partner in a similar way, a road accident, so abruptly, so quickly, so before his time. I cannot imagine what kind of grief that is to endure but I can only imagine the pain and when I see my aunt now, how full of joy and happiness she always is, I admire her strength and her ability to keep going, to keep going for herself, for her kids, for her family. It can’t be easy. Seeing my friend slowly pick herself up now as she processes the grief, I feel for her but I also know it gets better with time. Again, I’m not sure why he’s been visiting my mind and what type of message I should be getting from that but I’m happy I got to have the few years I had with him, he was my favourite uncle and a pillar of strength for my mother, his other siblings, his family and everyone around him. He was a really great man who, had his life been spared would have been even greater in this life.

I think the message is to keep going, to be strong, to be great.

Where next?

Somewhere new, somewhere I can meet and interact with different cultures, different people. Somewhere with a beach preferably or a magical sunset or both. Somewhere with a loved one, or with loved ones – I am really tired of travelling alone, I would love to make memories with others, not just me. Somewhere with little to no Corona lol, or at least a high percentage of vaccinated people.

How will you cope with this lockdown?

Well, the lockdown was recently lifted so hallelujah! So maybe I should answer how DID I cope with the lockdown. I wasn’t okay to be quite honest. I was antsy, bored, and were it not for my workouts every morning and having some friends near me who I could spend time with, I don’t know how I’d have managed. I’m so glad it was only for a month. Only goes to show, humans really require freedom.

What song is playing in your mind over and over again?

At the moment the song Girl Like Me by Jazmine Sullivan and H.E.R stays in my mind rent free, and another is Niko Sawa by Nviiri the storyteller and Bien.

Did you do the things you were supposed to do last month?

Not really. As I mentioned above, I’ve not been in a good space where I could fully function but I tried. Getting out of bed every morning and working out consistently is at least something I can highlight because the month before I was really struggling with that. May is for starting over, doing more, doing better so let’s touch base next time and see how this month fares shall we?

What makes you feel like a fucking adult?

Having a budget that you actually stick to! Sis… shit is so hard out here and trying not to buy cake every week or booking an Airbnb out of town, or a plane ticket out of here every time you feel like it’s all too much because you know you have to save every coin (especially in a whole pandemic), is the real adulting. It’s not easy but the practice makes it worth it in the long run.


Feature image: Morgan Harper Nichols

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